3.4 Rise and fall

Mum was so excited about her first grandchild coming.  Eugene and I were, too.  We would like a large family – I’ve been brought up with a large family and I want to carry on the tradition.  Eugene is an only child and he would have loved brothers and sisters.

Mum was understandably anxious when I went into labour.  She’d had difficult labours and had known several people suffer very serious complications during birth.  Thankfully now we have a hospital here my labour was comparably smooth.  I won’t deny that it was painful and frightening, but I had my husband and mother there, I had doctors beside me.  I know how privileged I am compared to those of my mother’s generation.

Our first child, Ilari, was born healthy.  She is a delight to everyone in the family, and I hope in time she will be joined by brothers and sisters.

Ilari is so calm, so young, so innocent, so peaceful.  It’s a blessing that she hasn’t been aware of the things that have been going on around her – for as this family was celebrating its newest member, so it was also devastated.

She had to grow up into the next stage of her life with just her father.  The rest of us had another responsibility.

At 91, my uncle Davros passed away.  Everyone was devastated.  He was the youngest of my mum’s siblings, yet he was the first to go.  My cousin Hirogen is just a teenager, same as my brother was when our father died.  My father’s loss devastated all of us, but it hit Gaius particularly badly and I can only hope Hirogen comes through this without too much of a burden on her young shoulders.  She idolised Davros – we all did.  He was such a lovely, warm, generous man.  He gave so much to our family, so much to this town.

Gloria was utterly heartbroken.  She and Davros had been close since they were at school and they adored each other.  To lose her sweetheart and see her daughter bereft was a burden she could hardly bear.  Mum, Castrovalva and Byzanitum were equally cut up, and felt it unjust that their little brother was taken before them, but they had to be strong for Gloria and Hirogen.

I had been planning to ask Gloria to leave soon.  I didn’t want a thief living under my roof, and now Hirogen was a teenager, I’d been thinking she could cope with the upheaval of a move.  But now Davros is dead, it changes everything.  How can I throw my aunt and cousin out to fend for themselves when they are so vulnerable?  We all need each other at a time like this.  There is so much that has happened to us lately that has wounded us… so much that I can barely bring myself to write.

My dear sweet baby, my little Ilari.  She is growing up to be a gorgeous little girl, with no idea of the pain that is all around her.  We are trying to be strong for her – and she gives us reason to look ahead, reason not to let grief overwhelm us.

Mum found great comfort in spending time with her granddaughter.  She doted on Ilari and was always the first to change her nappy or give her a bottle.

Hirogen, too, is very protective of Ilari.  Being able to help out with the smallest member of the family has helped her to have a focus in her sorrow.  She is a good girl, Hirogen.  She works hard at school, she helps around the house and she dreams of being a writer of some kind.  I only hope there is opportunity enough in this town to enable her to fulfil her dream.

But Davros’s death was not the worst of it.  The following day, we received word that both Castrovalva and Byzantium had also passed on.  They too, were good people.  Both of them were great painters, and Byzantium really established great things at the school, even setting up a small library.  Cas was one of the most dedicated members of the artists’ colony, and had helped younger artists and creative people thrive, encouraging them to nurture their talents despite the threat of the Altos.  They were so special to us all.

We buried them in the family graveyard.  It was too unfair that we had to go there so soon after Davros’s passing.  It was too much for all of us.  Hirogen couldn’t cope and stayed at home while we made the journey to the place we didn’t want to go.

It was as if there was nothing left for mum.  That night, she went to join them.

My mother, Chaotica Lazarus, was a strong woman.  She was a legendary athlete who helped our town discover the pleasures of exercise and activity.  She raised four of us, ran our household and did our grandfather, Alf Lazarus proud.  She was 96.

Mum’s death, so soon after the deaths of Davros, Cas and Byzantium, has driven us all to the brink.  Gloria is terrified.  She is the only member of our family left from her generation and she feels as though her time is up, too.  Though she is a number of years younger than the others were, she keeps saying she doesn’t feel strong enough to keep fighting the Altos.  Her drive and determination seem to have gone, her fire seems to have burned out.  I don’t know how to encourage her for the best – I don’t want her to be a thief, but nor do I want her to lose a sense of purpose in life.

Echo has been pouring her soul into her music.  She composed a beautiful but heartbreaking piece in honour of our fallen family.  We were in pieces when she played it to us.  Our cousins, Shana and Ramon have been grieving just as much as us.  They keep talking about how we need to mark the achievements of our parents’ generation.  I hope we can come up with a memorial that does them justice.

Ezri is devastated, but she is trying to pour her grief into her work.  She is exercising fervently and is more determined than ever to bring down the Altos because it’s what mum and the others would have wanted.  Whilst I know that’s true, I also know they would want her to find some space to grieve and recover.  I am so afraid she won’t give herself time.

Gaius has been hit incredibly hard.  Dad’s death turned him into an angry young man, and in recent times it’s only really been Mum who’d been able to connect with him.  He was the apple of her eye and she encouraged him to follow his heart.  Even when I’ve doubted him, when I’ve been suspicious of his activities or motives, Mum has always been there for him.  She has always been his most fervent supporter.  I genuinely think he feels lost right now, as if he has no direction, no way, no compass.

And here am I.  I am the head of a household full of grief.  I am the mother of a small child who needs me.  I am a police officer with a demanding task to protect my town.  And I feel so alone, so small, so vulnerable.

My mother, my aunts and uncle were good people, bold people.  They always knew the right thing to do, and they were all successful at whatever they set their minds to.  They have set a high standard.  I only hope they have somehow instilled something of themselves in me so that I can honour their memory.

Because of them, our town is a healthier, stronger place than it ever was.  They will never be forgotten.

3.3 Celebration

My sister Echo has been playing music for most of her life.  She’s part of a growing arts scene in Riverview, one that is beginning to thrive despite the Alto threat.  So popular are the performances they put on at the makeshift arts centre that the mob have been powerless to stop them.  The artists from the artists’ colony have helped provide drapes, costumes, posters and make-up for the concerts the local musicians put on.  It has kept some of them out of the Altos’ firing line: they are simply too popular with the people.  The Altos know there is increasing unrest about their activities and were they to cause enough unrest, it’s possible people could overthrow their regime.

Echo always loved our grandad’s stories about music and arts in the before times.  He talked about things called theatre and films, where people would tell stories and they’d act and move and dress up, and people would pay to watch and be entertained… it sounds rather fantastical, but Echo loved it.  She and some of her friends have dreams of creating their own shows one day, and Echo has started composing the music already.

They are planning a small show to open in a few months.  I couldn’t be prouder of my big sister, yet also sad – it is time for her to move on and spend time with others who share her dream.

Seeing Echo achieve her heart’s desire has enabled me to make some big decisions.  I love Eugene, and I asked him to marry me.  I was thrilled when he accepted.  We had a long, frank discussion about my aunt Gloria and Eugene and I came to an agreement about what we would ask her to do.

Eugene also decided to leave the police force.  Echo has inspired him, too.  He has always dreamed of playing music and the arts centre are starting to employ a small number of musicians.  My sister recommended him and so he’s started working there.  He is so excited by the possibilities it opens up to him.

I am so fortunate to have someone to share my life with; to share this responsibility with.  Sometimes I wonder if running this household and carrying on the good work my grandfather began is too big a task for me.  I want so much to honour him and my mother, to honour all those who have gone before us, but I have never known if I was up to it.  Now I know that I will be OK – I have a partner by my side who I trust completely, and who trusts my judgement.  He has given me the confidence in myself to make decisions about our future.

Eugene is also a great cook, which comes as a relief.  Dad used to do all the cooking and since he died, we have been existing on burnt hot dogs much of the time – Eugene makes them just right every time.  I miss dad so much, but Eugene cooks hot dogs almost as well as he did, and tasting them helps me remember him, and smile.

I had a long talk to Gloria when I discovered she was thieving.  She and I both want the same thing: to see the reign of the Alto mob come to an end, but I can’t condone her actions.  As a police officer, it would compromise me too much.  However, I can’t throw her out whilst Hirogen is so young.  It would be unfair to expect Gloria and Davros to start afresh when my cousin is still so young and vulnerable.  We decided she would stay here until Hirogen was a little older, and she wouldn’t talk about her activities with the rest of the family.  I can’t pretend I am happy to have a thief under my roof, and I know if work found out about it, it could cost me my job – and could possibly cost my sister Ezri hers, too.  I just hope Gloria is careful.

I have been concerned about my little brother Gaius for a while, but it is so hard to talk to him.  He keeps shutting down and becomng surly if I ask him anything about his activities.  This can’t go on – this is my home and he needs to treat it, to treat this family, with respect.

Yet mum dotes on him.  He is her youngest, her baby.  She is so proud of the rest of us, and I know that if she was to discover Gaius was keeping secrets, potentially dangerous secrets, she would be heartbroken.

Whilst there is trouble here, there is also great celebration.  Ezri is working undercover and enjoying it a great deal.  I feel nervous every time I know she is on an assignment.  With her skin tone she stands out, only a small percentage of the population here have the same affliction, and the Altos have spies everywhere.  Like our aunt Cas, though, she seems to live a charmed life; dodging danger when others in the same position have encountered assault, beatings or worse.

Since Echo and her friends began performing at the arts centre, a real mood has shifted here in Riverview.  People are making things for each other, indulging creativity in ways we hadn’t known before, or hadn’t dared try.  Several of Echo’s friends make an income from making clothing – this is a new indulgence; we have always had to make do with hand-me-downs from the survivors; but they have found ways to convert old fabrics into something new and beautiful.  There are even a few people who cut and style hair.  Apparently one of the survivors was something called a ‘hairdresser’ in the before time and had shared the skill with her descendants, and now people are feeling braver, the skill is spreading.

Another thing that has changed is that people want to celebrate more.  One of Cas’s friends has taken up baking cakes and the Altos have given up trying to monitor people’s gatherings at home, so we decided to hold our very first party to celebrate Hirogen’s birthday.

We invited the whole family, and it was so wonderful to have everyone together.  Mum seemed so overwhelmed that we were all here and were all safe.

I looked at them all and realised how fortunate I am to have been brought up in this family.  So many families here have been torn apart by sickness, by fire, by people being beaten by the Altos, or by people joining the Alto mob.  There is a lot here that could damage a person’s soul, could render them hard or damaged for life.  I know my own father was scarred deeply by the things he went through here, and there are people hurt far worse than he was.  My family are strong people, good people and we have stayed united.  That’s so rare in this town, and I hold it so dearly.

Hirogen decided that what she wanted for her birthday was a haircut and some new clothes, so we asked some favours of the people in town who could help…

She was so pleased with her new look: she is such a beautiful girl.  Davros and Gloria both had tears in their eyes when they saw their little girl all grown up and becoming so confident in herself.

There is also another cause for celebration.  Eugene and I are expecting our first child.

The first person we told was Echo.  I wanted her to be able to celebrate with us as we have been celebrating with her.  My sister has brought so much life and joy to Riverview – I am confident that the things she and her friends have done for this place will change it for ever.

3.2 Dilemma

My cousin Hirogen is such a beautiful little girl.  She’s very intelligent and extremely creative.  She’s always writing little stories and telling us the gossip from around town.  Davros and Gloria dote on her, and they’re such loving parents that I almost feel duplicitous for what I’m feeling about Gloria right now.

The other evening I saw her rushing off in a hurry – I was shocked to see what she was wearing.  She’d been trying to hide from me and Ezri, but I’d come down for a late night exercise session.  I know that outfit.  I have to apprehend a lot of criminals in my job, and many of them wear the black and white stripes.  It’s almost a badge of honour for them.

I was so angry at her.  She’s my aunt and I want to respect her, but this is MY house, and I’m a police officer.  I couldn’t believe she would so something so risky as work for the Alto mob, especially in this house with two police officers – and sher has a young daughter, too!  What about being a good role model for Hirogen?  I started yelling at her and she hushed me.

She told me she wasn’t working for the Alto mob – she hates them as much as I do.  She revealed she was one of a small band of independents who are working as thieves to undermine the mob’s influence.

I was astounded.  We have caught a couple of independent thieves recently, but they were just small-time crooks with little about them other than a will to cause havoc.  Whatever the motivations, theft is theft.  How could my own aunt be part of that?

Gloria said she’d always felt compelled to steal since she was a child, but had never done so – then she heard of some small-time thieves who were undermining the Altos by muscling in on their territory, and she saw this as a way to indulge her desires and also help see off the mob scourge.  She told me she never kept anything she stole and always left it behind at the places she visited – she was only doing it to satisfy an urge and to put the wind up Lutricia Alto and her cronies.

She begged me not to tell anyone else in the shelter.  I know it would kill my mother, devastate Hirogen and Davros and give Ezri real heartache – but what about me?  I now have a huge dilemma.  I can’t approve of her actions, yet she is really adamant about breaking the stranglehold the Alto mob have, and it’s not as if we’ve been able to stem their tide.  What if she’s right and some small-time criminals can do what we as the police have so far failed to do and break the Alto mob’s grip on this town?  I just don’t know what to do.  She is my aunt, she has a young daughter, I can’t turn her in – but I have a duty to the law.  How can I justify harbouring a criminal under my roof?

Knowing Gloria wasn’t really a personal trainer has made me question my brother, Gaius.  Is he doing the same thing as Gloria, out night after night, sneaking into people’s shelters, rummaging through their things, causing distress?  Gloria claims he isn’t her accomplice but other than that, she argues that it’s up to Gaius to tell me about his activities.

As soon as I learned about Gloria, I took Gaius aside to ask what was going on with him.  He just looked straight through me and said he knew what he was doing and he wouldn’t put us in any danger.  He won’t tell me anything about his actions, and I just don’t know what to do.

Since Dad died, he has been so sullen, so cut off – it’s as if he’s angry at the world.  He misses Dad, we all do, but he’s the youngest and it hit him hardest.  All he seems to do is work out and go out to ‘train’.  He won’t tell me what he is doing, and I can’t throw my younger brother out for mere suspicion, can I?  But something is wrong, and I have a very bad feeling about what he’s getting himself into…

When my mother asked me to take on the running of the household, I never envisaged it would be so difficult.  Fortunately, though, it is not all trauma.  My partner at work, Eugene, has been a godsend.  We get on so well – he has a real love for music like my sister Echo and his dearest desire is one day to be able to do that for a living rather than work in the police.  I think he’ll be great – but then, I’m biased.

Working together has brought us incredibly close – we are falling for each other in a big way.  I look at him and I can see my future; can see a partnership that I want to endure.  I long to marry him – but I am being held back by my fear that he will find out about Gloria and maybe even uncover what Gaius is up to.

My career and my relationship could be in jeopardy because of my family… and yet the last thing I want to do is put my family in danger.  I wish I knew what to do next.

3.1 A new era

My name is Firefly Lazarus. My mother, Chaotica, has asked me to continue these dispatches and to update you on our life here in Riverview. She keeps calling it our ‘progress’. She, and many of her generation, have always believed that this town would be transformed back to what it used to be before the accident.

I don’t know too much about the accident. My father was a survivor, he was barely a teenager when it happened, and I know it affected him deeply. We were always too afraid to ask him about it when we were growing up. Dad was a good man, a loving father, but he was deeply scarred, both physically and emotionally – and we sometimes used to find him talking to himself when he was alone. It was frightening. We didn’t want to do anything to antagonise him, to cause him more pain.

My grandfather was a survivor, too, but I was only a child when he died. He used to sometimes tell us stories about the before times. In our school lessons we were also taught about the before times; but most of our teachers were the children of survivors – very few remembered it themselves.

We’ve always been brought up with a sense of how important it is that we help raise Riverview from the ashes, how we help it to become what it once was – but we don’t really know what that was like – all we have are the stories passed down, and with no survivors in this town any longer, we can only imagine. Sometimes the thought of this place being too different frightens me. It’s not that it’s perfect here – but we have never known anything else. I am writing to you to tell you about us, yet I am scared of ever meeting you. Your world is so different, so alien to my own, and the unfamiliar sometimes feels threatening. It is not that this is a safe place – the nightly raids by the Altos and their gang see to that; but it is a known place. We know our dangers and safe spaces. We know our limits. We all know each other. We know this world.

I work as a police officer, as does my big sister Ezri. We both joined because we feel the Alto mob are controlling too much of this town, and we want people to live in safety. It is a hard job – very physically and mentally demanding, but also one that runs the risks of being targetted by the mob. But it’s important. If we are to be a healthy community, then their reign of fear must come to an end.

My role models are the older members of my family. My aunt Byzantium and her late husband Shavran have really helped with setting up the school. They even started a small public library with the novels produced by members of the artists’ colony and the writings about the before times produced by the survivors. The Altos don’t like this, but they keep the library in a room of the school and the mob know better than to mess with the school. I hope one day we’ll have a large library that people can feel safe to use. There is a wealth of talent here, and it would be wonderful to celebrate it.

The artists here are also very talented, but as you may have heard from my mother, they live in danger the whole time. My aunt Castrovalva is a part of the artists’ colony. She is a real inspiration to me: she followed her passion and she produces beautiful works – despite the threat she and her fellow artists face. Auntie Cas is one of the lucky ones. I have been called to the scene of too many beatings and executions to bear. Each one rends my soul a little: these people, so talented, so beautiful, taken down for daring to bring life to this place.

My uncle Davros is one of the nicest people I have ever met. He is a doctor and he and his colleagues brought water and medicine back to our town. I love the feeling of a shower in the morning. My mum is still sometimes a little afraid of it, but it has made such a difference here. People walk with more of a smile than they once did. Fewer people die of disease. And my dear father was able to live out the last of his days healed from the scars he’d gained from a fire in his younger days. For the healing it brought him, I will always be grateful to Davros and his colleagues.

My mother, Chaotica, is a true hero. People in Riverview see her as a sports legend. She has worked tirelessly all her life to help people in this town become fit and healthy, to develop sports teams and athletic training. She and her team mates even helped develop some exercise equipment which we can use to help us. The machines have been a godsend – Ezri, mum, my brother Gaius, my aunt Gloria and I all love to work out. Sometimes I catch mum watching us and she has the biggest, proudest smile. It’s so amazing to see someone achieve their dream, and if I can be only half the woman my mother is, I will be proud. She has helped raise her niece, Hirogen. Davros and Gloria just dote on their daughter, and mum has loved having a child in the shelter again.

Ezri works out all the time. She is so fit and agile, she puts me to shame sometimes! She is a little further ahead in the police career than me, being older. She has been assigned some missions to start going undercover and investigating people that are suspected of being part of the Alto mob. I hope she will stay safe, it’s a very risky assignment.

Echo, our other sister and Ezri’s twin, is so different from us in many ways. She doesn’t care for exercise. She is musical – aunt Cas made her a guitar and she plays it constantly. Ever since we were teenagers it has been her desire to restore this town through music. She is gaining quite a reputation, so much so that the makeshift arts centre, or the ‘theatre’ as we like to call it, is gaining audiences so large the Altos daren’t close it down. They are unhappy about it, of course, but people have really fallen in love with music. My mother says things were quiet when she was young, and the music is a strange phenomeonon – like water, it is both scary and beautiful for her generation.

Mum doesn’t fully understand Echo, she thinks her head is in the clouds, that Grandad filled it with some crazy notions about musicians in the before times and how people loved them. Oh, she loves her, and she can see how much joy her music is bringing to Riverview. Mum is proud of her, I know that, but I think she worries that Echo doesn’t really understand the harshness of the world we live in.

I know my sister though. I know she fully understands. But she chooses a different way, a way to rise above it. I think that is such a precious thing.

My little brother, Gaius, has taken to exercise in a big way. He is always running or working on the weights bench, or doing his stretches. He works out a lot with my aunt Gloria. She’s got him work as a personal trainer, the kind of work she does.

I worry about this work. Gloria comes home very late some times, and I don’t know who her clients are, but some of the rich people here are rather unsavoury characters. I worry they are both in over their heads.

I know my mother wants me to be the head of the household, but I don’t know what that entails. Can I talk to my brother and aunt about my fears for them? Would that be overstepping the mark? Can I ask my mother to do things or accept things she may not want to? Will I meet a loving husband? Will I be a good mother?

I don’t know the answer to any of these things. I want to be the best I can, to help take my family forward as my mother and grandfather did. I only hope I am up to the task I have been assigned.

2.12 Nothing more to say

Time is moving by so quickly.  I am no longer a young woman, and I know my time will soon be over.  I am constantly reminded of growing old – last week we saw the final survivor of the accident put to rest.  It was a sombre time for all of us, and it reminded me so much of those I have lost: mum, dad, Lulu, Oscar.

Dad used to tell me, warn me, I guess, that when mum died he lost something of himself, and although he was renewed through becoming a grandad, although I know he was grateful for every single day of his life, something in him profoundly changed when he lost her.  I know that feeling now.  My heart aches without Oscar.  There’s an emptiness I can’t fill.

I can’t deny that there is much joy to be had – especially with Gloria and Davros becoming parents – but there is so much loss, so much sorrow.  Everything has changed – not only are there no survivors, we, their children, are becoming old.  We didn’t see everything we hoped to see, didn’t accomplish everything we hoped to accomplish – and soon we won’t be able to make much of a change.  I know I have little time left to do what I can for this town.  I know soon it will be in the hands of my children, nieces and nephews.  I just hope they will be committed to the cause.

Davros and Gloria make wonderful parents.  Little Hirogen had a smooth delivery and was able to be the first Lazarus born in our new hospital.  Davros was overwhelmed that he had been part of building that hospital in which he could now see his own child born.  Before the hospital some people died giving birth and some infants didn’t survive.  As a mother myself, who has struggled with giving birth in harsh conditions, my heart broke at each and every story of loss or sickness these parents and children went through.  I believe the hospital is a sign of real change here, and a real sign of hope for the next generation.

Hirogen is a beautiful, healthy child.  It’s so nice to have a baby in the home again and I’m so pleased Davros and Gloria got to be parents at last.

But raising a child will be difficult for them.  None of us are getting any younger.

My older sister, Byzantium, has had her share of tragedy lately.  Her husband, Shavran – her childhood sweetheart – recently passed away.  She is putting on a brave face, but I know she feels slightly lost.

Her eldest son, Ramon, has taken it badly.  He is so scared something will happen to his mother, and as much as we want to reassure him that it won’t, we just can’t.  Nothing is certain here.

Their daughter, Shana, is so serious, too.  She was utterly devastated by Shavran’s death.  She is so young.  All of our children have suffered loss at a young age, as did we.  It’s likely poor Hirogen will also experience the loss of one or both parents when she is still a teenager.  It all seems so unfair; we get so little time to be families, so little time to enjoy each other’s company.

Since Oscar died, my own children have been under a lot of strain.

Echo just pours herself into her music, whether studying it or playing it, to the extent that she seems lost in it, almost out of reach.

Ezri and Firefly work so hard in their jobs in the police.  Too hard, maybe.  I worry they are trying to deflect their emotions into exercising obsessively and working hard.

And Gaius, my youngest, he has gone so sullen since Oscar died.  I know it might just be his age, and his hormones, but he seems angry at life.

Castrovalva has continued to thrive in the artists’ colony.  She has managed to hide from the Alto mob’s raids, but I worry that the strain of all the undercover living has affected her health.  She seems so drawn, so tired.

Davros continues to work in medicine, continues to be a real inspiration and a great father, but his baby face, his innocence is long gone.  We are all so old.  We have to make the most of what we have left, and the deaths of Oscar and Shavran have reminded us that we might not have too long.

I have had a very difficult decision weighing on my mind for some time now.

I have now reached the pinnacle of my career.  People call me a ‘legend’ because of my achievements in the athletic field.  I find the praise humbling, flattering and scary.  I am pleased that I have managed to encourage so many people in this town to discover sport.  I am ecstatic we have formed teams and clubs and that we have had a lot of fun doing it.  I see people becoming fitter, stronger and healthier each day.  I know my work and that of my colleagues has contributed to the work of my father, brother and their colleagues in improving the health of people here.  Yet I also feel embarrassed by the attention.  I’m not the kind of person who would make a traditional sports superstar in the way sports stars were before the accident, in the way they maybe still are for you.

But now I have achieved this, I am ready to hand over the reigns of running this family – my father was right, it is too hard doing it alone, and without Oscar, Byzantium or Cas, without mum or dad, I feel I’m too old and tired to be the one who leads us forward.  Davros and Gloria have their hands full with a baby.  It’s time for one of my own children to take on the mantle.

The decision of who it should be has been eating me up for several months.  Who would be responsible enough, and who would gladly welcome that responsibility?  Echo doesn’t seem to want to do anything but play music.  I think she will leave home soon; like Cas and Byzantium, she wants her freedom and I can’t deny her that.  But it was so hard to know which of the others I could ask.

Then last week, when I was at work, Davros was cooking hot dogs and the grill caught fire.  It was such a mercy I wasn’t there, I am still troubled by nightmares of Lulu’s death from time to time and knowing the same fate could befall any of my beautiful family would have been too much to take.

Davros told me how Firefly rushed in with the government issue extinguisher with no thought for her own life – all she wanted to do was protect the family.  She remembered her father’s warnings about fire, about how it had scarred him; but like him she was brave and determined that she would beat it.

I finally knew then.  She would be the best person to lead this family forward.  She has courage, determination and strength, and she will be a fine asset to Riverview.

I cannot write to you any longer.  I have nothing more to say.  I hope Firefly will continue to update you on our progress here; I am confident that there will be greater progress to come, and that one day Riverview will be renewed.  Remember us.

—END TRANSMISSION—

2.11 Joys and sorrows

The advances in medical treatment that Davros and his colleagues have been fighting for are proving a real joy to this town and to my family.  I’m starting to get used to the sensation of having a shower.  It feels less frightening than it once did.  I can’t say I will ever feel totally comfortable with it, but the feeling of being clean is amazing, and being able to drink clean water is the most precious thing.  What is also a precious miracle is that they could help Oscar – they could heal his scars to the extent that they stopped marring his appearance.  He was so transformed it boosted his work performance and he was promoted.

To be able to look into the face of the man I loved, now healed from such longstanding pain – such a great blessing.

My children are all growing up so quickly.  It doesn’t seem long since they were all infants, but now my baby boy, Gaius, is a child and has started going to school.

He is best friends with his cousin, Ramon.  Byzantium and I are both thrilled that the boys love spending time together so much.  They aren’t really allowed out to play very often because the atmosphere is still too dangerous for them, but they spend all their school time together.  They are are still only a very small number of children and young people in our town.  I hope it won’t be too difficult for my children to find partners and friends of their own; it’s so important to have close friends in this climate.  I would be lost without my siblings, Oscar and my fellow athletes.

Byzantium and Shavran have now had a daughter as well.  I cried when I heard what they had named her: Shana.  She is perfect.  I just wish mum could be here to meet her namesake.

Davros continues to work hard at the hospital – although he’s achieved so much he feels his work is never fully done.  As for Gloria, she still works out a lot, but I do worry about this personal training work she does.  One night she stayed out all night and didn’t return home until the morning – and she has to wear some strange outfits.  She says it’s fine, but I am concerned for her.

All of my daughters are now young women and have very definite ideas about what they want from life.  Echo still has her heart set on making music.  She spends her days entertaining people in our local makeshift arts centre.  The Alto mob aren’t happy that such a place exists, but so many people attend the concerts there that they allow it, as long as they can still take their share of the profits.  Echo’s music is incredibly beautiful – she really does have a talent.

Ezri and Firefly have both joined our local police force.  My mum worked for the police for a time and I am so pleased the girls will be helping to carry on her work in some small manner.  I think it’ll be a hard road for them: I don’t envy them trying to work without the Alto mob attacking them, but they both seem set on restoring order to this town and I am so proud of their determination.

Being able to exercise with my girls as well as my sister-in-law is such a pleasure, and they are taking to their new regime very well.

I know that soon I must decide which of my children to approach, as my father approached me, to talk about carrying on our family’s work.  I hope one of them will take on the responsibility of being the head of this household and raising the next generation.  I know they all have their hopes and dreams, I only hope that raising a family is among those dreams.  I don’t know which of them will be able to take on this task – I don’t want to force a decision on one of them, but I hope I will know.  I hope I can pass on to them even a little of the wisdom, courage and strength my father showed to me.

My athletic career is blossoming – I get such a thrill from playing games.  We have even managed to come up with a team strip to help us feel united as one force.

My nephew Ramon was so taken with it, he got his auntie Cas and her friends to make him a copy.  Seeing Ramon has really touched me: I always wanted to inspire people to take up sport and to become healthy and it feels as if that is finally happening.

I would love to end this dispatch here, on a note of joy and celebration.  But I can’t hide what has happened to me, to us.

My husband Oscar was leaving work, one shift away from achieving his goal to be certified as a five-star chef.  He was 96, he’d had many health problems in his life, he was tired.  Oscar slipped away from us.

Although I had always known he would go first, it didn’t lessen the pain.  My Oscar, my friend for all of my life, my lover, my husband, the father of my beautiful children.

It brought it all back to me: losing Lulu, mum, dad – and now Oscar has joined them.  Only two or three survivors remain in this town and soon they will be gone, too.  Everything about this feels so tragic, feels too much.  I know I will soon be an old woman, as will my sisters and brother.  I have so much I still want to achieve, yet without Oscar by my side, the pain will be so great.  I only hope I can bear it for his sake, for the sake of all the survivors who worked so hard for us.

We buried him near mum, dad and Lulu.  I hope he finds peace there.

I don’t know how to breathe, I don’t know how to look ahead.  I don’t know how I can face the days ahead.  He was precious, he was mine.  And now he is gone.

2.10 Breakthrough

Since Dad passed away, things have felt very different around here.  It’s as if our home has in some way lost its heart, its soul.  We will survive, we will grow, we will love – but we cannot replace him, we cannot replace what we have lost.  We need to find a new way to live, just as he had to.

Ezri and Echo have been great around the house, helping to keep things clean and looking after their little brother.  I think it helps them to cope with their grief if they can do things around the house.

In the midst of grief, we have also had cause to celebrate.  My two youngest children are growing up so quickly.  Firefly is now a teenager like her big sisters, and she looks so much like my sister Castrovalva that it’s almost spooky.

Gaius is a delight to have around, and being able to focus our love and attention on him has really given us a focus since losing Dad.  It breaks my heart that he is too young to have known his grandparents.  I know he would have adored them.  I know they would have adored him.

But the person who is going through the most profound changes is my little brother, Davros.  Dad’s death really threw him.  He adored Dad, and he looked up to him so much.  It’s as if seeing Dad pass over has thrown a switch inside my brother and caused him to focus on what he wants from life.

He decided that it was time to marry his girlfriend Gloria.  They had a private ceremony here, and Gloria has now become part of our household.  It’s so amazing to see the smile she has put on Davros’s face.  They have been friends since they were teenagers and it’s clear they really love each other.

Gloria has been a great addition to the household.  She’s bubbly and friendly, and has been a real tonic to us in our low times.  Gaius just loves his auntie Gloria, and I wonder if she and Davros will decide to have children of their own.

I hope so: Byzantium and Shavran’s now also have a son, Ramon, and it’d be wonderful if he and Gaius had another little cousin to play with.

Gloria works in the evening.  She works as a personal trainer for some of the richer folk in town.  The rich folk here include the members of the Alto gang, and I hope she isn’t getting mixed up with those people.  I don’t feel I can ask her about her clients, it feels a little invasive when we’re just getting to know each other, but I do hope she knows what she’s doing.  It’s nice to have a partner to workout with, though.  I used to exercise with my mother and father and it’s at these times I really miss them – having Gloria to talk to helps the pain of loss dissipate a little.

Being married clearly agrees with Davros.  He has become fully trained as a surgical doctor now and he and his colleagues have also been making some amazing breakthroughs that will change our town for ever.  They have discovered a way to create several medicines now; there may even be a cure for the skin complaint I and my two eldest daughters suffer with.  It will come too late for us, but it may well be possible that my grandchildren won’t inherit it.

There is something even more exciting, something that I keep crying about because it’s so amazing.

They have found a way to purify our water and to get us fully running water in our shelters: we now can take showers.  Only Oscar has ever experienced this before, and he was ecstatic to be able to shower again.  I don’t think he’d expected this to happen in his lifetime.

The first time I experienced it, I was overwhelmed.  The stream of water coming down on my body, my face, my hair was both cleansing and frightening: I felt so clean, so pure, but also afraid at this water coming down so fast, I felt as if it would wash me away.  It was a beautiful but terrifying experience.  This will take some getting used to, but it is such a precious gift that my brother and his colleagues have given us.  So many people in this town have been so sick, so many have died so young, but maybe now we will see greater healing, maybe now the effects of the accident will begin to diminish.

I know that right now mum and dad will be looking down, smiling.

2.9 An end

My father has always been my role model.  He and my mother were two of the survivors of the accident, and they worked for the military corps (and the police as well, in my mother’s case), helping to stabilise Riverview.  They never stopped striving for the best for us and for this town.

Since my mother died, my father has found a new purpose in life by helping raise my four children, his grandchildren.  We have spent so much time together, talking, exercising, dreaming dreams…

…but everything has its time.

The girls are devastated by the loss of their beloved grandfather.  They’ve never encountered death before, and though we have talked about the fact that granddad was old, I don’t think they really understood what it meant until that moment.  It was sad that they witnessed his passing, but I hope they also realised how peaceful it was.

This is a sad house – we have lost our patrriarch, our leader, our inspiration.  One of the few remaining survivors is no longer here – but I know he has gone to join my mother, whom he loved so dearly.  I know it was his time, even though it pains me to say that; even though I can’t believe he’s gone.

Davros has been hit so hard by dad’s loss.  My brother is a man of few words, but he adored my father and looked up to him so much.  Dad inspired him to become a doctor, and Davros is very close to fulfilling his dream.  I know he’s heartbroken that Dad didn’t get to see him fulfil this.  I tell him Dad was proud of him, that Dad knew he would do it, but we both know it’s not the same as him being here to see it with his own eyes.

Davros, Cas and I buried Dad next to mum and held our own small memorial, just the three of us.  It’s not really safe for Oscar or the girls to travel, and Byzantium and Shavran have their hands full with a new baby – little Ramon was born on the day Dad died.  He’d always wanted five grandchildren and he died without realising his dream had come true.

Being there, just the three of us, meant we didn’t need to hold back, we didn’t need to be strong for anyone, didn’t need to hold anything in.

We cried and cried.  He was a survivor, our inspiration, our father.  Now it’s up to us – what if we can’t fulfil the dreams we have?  What if we let him down?  Oh Dad, how can I do this?  How can I lead this family without your guidance?  I love you Dad, I miss you.  I’ll do my best.

___

Alf Lazarus, 106.  Astronaut.  Father.  Husband.  Grandfather.  Survivor.

Rest in Peace.

___

2.7 Into the unknown

I’m so pleased that Ezri and Echo play so well together.  I really hope my children will be as close to each other as I am to my own siblings.

My youngest daughter, Firefly, can’t wait until she’s old enough to play with her big sisters.  She idolises them so much – I just hope they will accept her into their games and that they’ll let her become their friend.

As for my own siblings, well, things are developing fast for them.  Davros has taken to spending a lot of time with Gloria Walls lately.  Gloria was a friend of his from school, but he left school quite a while before she did and so they didn’t see each other for a while.  Since Gloria has become an adult and it’s been safe for her to leave the house, she’s been here most evenings to see Davros and they’re becoming very close.  I do hope she’ll treat my little brother well.  He is the type of man who likes to pretend everything is fine, who keeps his feelings locked in, but I know deep down that he is more sensitive than he lets on.  The last thing I want is for his heart to be broken.  But he has known Gloria a long time, and they both seem to like each other.  I will be so happy if things work out for them.

Davros is also doing well in his career.  They gave him a white coat to wear this week.  Dad was so proud, I think for him it was the first time he’d really seen his baby boy as a real man, and as a real doctor.  Davros is confident it won’t be long before they get a breakthrough in their bid to make the water clean, and to start to develop medicines.  It still feels like a pipe dream to me, but he is so confident that they will do it.

However, it is my twin sister, Castrovalva, who has been through the biggest change.  With Davros finding a new friend, and with Firefly about to grow up and start school, she realised now was the time she could finally fulfil her dream – she was now ready to move to the artists’ colony.

Telling dad was the hardest part.  He is so scared for her, as am I – the Alto mob are still persecuting artists – just least week we heard of someone going “missing” from the colony, and of them torching someone else’s home for the simple crime of displaying more than one piece of artwork.  Cas says the artists have plans, that they have new ways of subverting the Altos and their rules.  I don’t know what she means, but she is confident.  I hope it isn’t naivety.  Dad has been dreading this day for a long time, but I know he wouldn’t ever stop her fulfilling her dream – and she has been so good to us, helping raise the girls.  Firefly, in particular, just loves her Auntie Cas – I think she will find it so hard to live here without her.

Cas’s last painting was adorable – a bright burst of sunlight – just one more depiction of the hope we have for Riverview, one more symbol of our town’s rebirth.  I begged her not to let this one become firewood, to let us display this painting in our shelter.  But she refused – she said she had something else she wanted to leave us, something she’d rather we displayed.

She had painted a beautiful picture of Dad – the first time any of us had had our likeness captured.  It was such a perfect gift.  Like all of us, Cas adores Dad.  They have had the occasional row, as all parents and children do, but I know they think the world of each other.  Seeing the painting brought a tear to my father’s eye – yet also gave him the strength he needed to let go.

Cas said her goodbyes to all of us, to Ezri, Echo, Oscar, to Davros, to me… then she gave her favourite niece, Firefly a big hug, handed her to Dad and said the hardest goodbye of all – neither she nor dad knew whether they would ever see each other again.

I don’t know what will happen, I don’t know if Cas will survive this new experience – but I am glad she is finally able to pursue her dream.  It is time for all of us to face the unknown.

2.5 Time to shine

The second time I gave birth wasn’t quite as bad as the first.  For one thing, this time I only had one baby to deliver.  My body was also more used to the sensation and although I can’t deny it hurt and it was terrifying, just knowing I’d been through it before made a real difference to me.  Although my family were on hand, this time I wanted to go through the experience myself, to show myself that I really was capable of this.  I just had this notion that by doing it this way, it would make me somewhow stronger.

In many ways, the experience, whilst at times lonely and scary, was somewhat liberating – especially when I held my newborn baby, Firefly, in my arms.  It helped me feel like I had a special bond with her because we’d been through this experience together.

Of course, as soon as I brought her into the house, Dad was eager to help out with her care.  He dotes on her just as much as he dotes on her big sisters.  My father absolutely adores being a grandfather.  He’s always the first to try and change their nappies or feed them.  They have a real bond and I am so glad they have some time to get to know him.

My elder daughters are growing up so quickly it astounds me.  Echo looks a lot like I did when I was younger, so my father tells me, but I can see an awful lot of her father Oscar in her.

Dad says Ezri  looks like I did, but also a little like my elder sister Byzantium did.  I take his word for it.  Sometimes I wish I could see pictures of those times, to know what it was like.  Of course, my father and Oscar are always telling me stories.  When I get tired and stressed from the crying and the night feeds, sometimes Dad likes to remind me that he and mum had to care for four infants, not three, and they had fewer people to help.  We do occasionally play these games of one-upmanship: who had the hardest life.  I like to remind him that he had a very different childhood and youth, that he experienced nature and technology and shopping and all these things we have heard of that are so alien to us.

I suppose our humour sounds somewhat macabre to those on the outside.  But please don’t feel too sorry for me.  I don’t know what it is like to live in your world and therefore I don’t know what it’s like to miss it.  Sometimes I catch my dad or Oscar in a rare moment when they think they’re alone, and I see them staring into space, or shedding a few tears.  I know they are remembering the time before, and the people they have lost.  I know Oscar, particularly, is haunted by it more than he lets on.  But for most of the time, they don’t dwell on it, don’t allow it to make them too maudlin for too long. They will never forget, but they, like so many survivors, are more focussed on the future.

In fact, raising the girls hasn’t been as difficult as I had anticipated.  I have such a great family around me and they have all helped out.  Cas has promised she won’t go and join the artists’ colony until the girls start school.  It is such a big commitment for her to stay here that long when I know her heart’s desire is really elsewhere, but she loves the children so much that I hope the sacrifice is bearable.

As for Oscar, he and I haven’t discussed marriage in a long time, but we are becoming closer.  He is starting to be a lot more affectionate with me and he is also enjoying his work in the cookery trade much more than he once did.  I can’t pretend that I don’t still worry about whether he loves me, or whether we have a future, but when he reaches out to hug me, or hold my hand, I take these things as signs that we will be OK.

He is just the most amazing father, though.  He loves chatting to the girls, loves attending to their needs.  One of his proudest moments was teaching Echo to talk.  Her first word was ‘Dadada’.  I caught him beaming the biggest smile I’d ever seen on his face!  I really do think fatherhood is the making of him, and I am sure it is the reason we seem to be a little closer lately.  He has something to give him joy, rather than simply being haunted by the pain from his past.  I must admit that sometimes it is a little disconcerting to think he helped raise me and my siblings in this way when we were younger, but I just have to remember he was only a teenager himself back then.

Teaching my children some of the skills they need for life has been a real joy.  I have been working as a toddler athletics coach so teaching them to walk has been incredibly important for me.  I don’t expect them to become athletes themselves, although I will not stop them if that’s what they want to do – but it is so important to me that they become strong and healthy.  This world we live in is still incredibly harsh, and the weak do not do well here.

And now my little baby, Firefly, is growing up, too. She doesn’t have my skin condition, unlike her sisters, but she certainly has the distinctive Lazarus hair! I can tell that three small children will keep us all on our toes, but I am enjoying the challenge.

I am still enjoying my work very much, and beginning to get promoted regularly, as Oscar and my brother Davros also continue to do in their own careers. I hope the girls will look at us and see us as good role models. I hope our commitment to raising them, and to also raising our town, will inspire them. I hope they know that they can do anything, anything at all, if they choose to put their minds to it. I hope they will never feel disadvantaged by their circumstances, but see them as an opportunity to shine.